Well I haven't written in a while...October is a CRAZY month in all aspects of life. I just had a sentiment I wanted to express. I feel that people...well...some friends, not all, but some friends of mine aren't willing to CONFIDE themselves in me. And I have a hunch that it is because of my nice nature that they feel they mustn't "TAINT" this positive/innocent image with something that could possibly let me view them differently. How do I know this? Well...I have many stories to illustrate this "Hide it from THEA" theory, but I will save you the trouble of reading my frustrations by only sharing maybe 1 or 2 anecdotes. Story #1: So one of my really good friends here at USC was feeling kinda out of it, kinda sad, angry, depressed, all these negative emotions all mixed into one, and I saw these feelings in her b/c I could kinda read her mannerisms and her body language and kinda tell by the way she talked that something was wrong with her. So being the "friend" she could prolly talk to I asked her..."What's wrong? Somethings wrong and I know it. You want to talk about it?" and here is what she said: "Ya, I've just been feeling really bad lately, but it's not something that I feel comfortable in sharing with you. You're not the kind of friend I vent to."
So in response to this, I was kinda taken aback by what she said. I mean...I felt like our friendship was nothing but a surface kinda thing and despite the fact that I told her that I'm willing to LISTEN to her problems and try and help the "bad" feeling subside a little, she just blatently tells me TO MY FACE that I'm not the kind of friend she can vent to. She said it was because I'm too positive and happy and that she doesn't want to ruin my attitude with her problems.
How did it make me feel? It made me feel like I was LESS of a FRIEND to her. I mean isn't that what friends are supposed to do? Confide in eachother, profide a buffer of encouragement, trust, and emotional support for eachother when the other is feeling down, and even though you DON't want to, a friend SHOULD try and help a friend out in whatever way possible. I dunno...I just was kinda hurt that she didn't want to vent or divulge her inner issues to me even though I so willingly offered to hear her concerns and help out in a way that was hopefully useful. I don't know...in a way I know I should respect her feelings about her not sharing things with me, but it's like I didn't feel like she justified her reason for her not sharing and that made me feel like less of a friend. Or at least...less of a CLOSE friend to her. OH well...I'm over it, but still. Story #2 For my second story...this will just be a general story and not targetted to anyone in particular but just encompasses what has been going on, or what I feel has been going on around me and I will express what I feel on those actions that go on. In general, I think that in friendship there are different levels. Of course you have the acquaintance level where you don't really know the person but you are friends through a friend or whatever the scenario may be. Then you have the regular friend level where you know them more, but not enough to kinda tell them how you feel about certain things that are bothering you or just talk about stuff that you would to a CLOSE friend. And then you have the CLOSE friend who you tell EVERYTHING to and whom you ask for advice and one who can listen to you for hours and talk about nonsense but you still have a good time... Bleh anyways, I think that venting, telling secrets, gossiping, chit chatting, spending time, and hanging out with friends allows a person to be that much CLOSER to people. Even thought a bunch of the things I mentioned kinda have a negative connotation...like Gossiping and Telling secrets, but you have to agree with me that these kinds of things foster closer relationships with friends...and I feel that I haven't really been feeling that "Closer Relationship" type of thing with some of my friends. I feel as though people do not want to tell me things. Then again...I may just want to be Nosey and all up in people's business...but seriously...let's me realistic here. I just want to foster closer friendships with people and I wish that they'd open up to me more and feel comfy in opening up to me. I think that being open and talking about important things with your friends is an important part of the Friendship role and I think I WANT people to be more open to me and not think of the potential things I might feel or think after they tell me things b/c that doesn't matter...I'm your friend first and foremost and I will do what a friend does to help and be a positive means of advice, but turthful and honest advice and encouragement. It's because I REALLY CARE about my friendships with other people and by people not wanting to open up to me with whatever they want...it makes me feel unimportant and less of a friend to them. So I guess I'm saying...that I'm longing for closer friendships and the way I can see that happening is if people just stop being afraid to OPEN UP to me and tell me what's on their mind. I will be willing to listen always b/c I'll always have time for my friends. Anyways...so that's my stories and my feelings in this point of the semester. I learned from one of my classes last semester what the meaning of FRIENDSHIP is, and I wrote about this last semester when I learned about it because the definition makes SO MUCH SENSE. Anyways...here is, I think, an accurate definition of Friendship. FRIENDSHIP is an UNLIMITED number of RESPONSIBILITIES to a LIMITED number of People. The Definition is pretty self Explanatory, but as I thought long and hard about the meaning of friendship, nothing really sums it up quite like this definition. So, My friends, don't be afraid...I'm like everyone else. Yes, I do exhibit happy exuberance and positive attitudes most of the time, but I too have feelings that are the opposite of what I feel normally. If I didn't...I wouldn't be HUMAN. So...treat me like a TRUE FRIEND...let me be a TRUE FRIEND to YOU, and let us together BUILD our FRIENDSHIP. | 
